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.... My
family felt that their only choice was to give me up for adoption, because my
mother and sister would not be able to take care of me. My sister told me that
another mother nursed me, so I could stay alive until she found a home for me.
After I was born, they tried to clean me. Since they had no access to water,
they had to wait until it rained or snowed. My mother said my skin looked like a
snake; she was surprised that I lived. After a week, she found someone to take
me and agreed to give me up for adoption. She finally managed to get a little
water and tried to wash me.
As my mother washed me, I smiled at her. She was unable to give me up. My mother
told me this story over and over again. Whenever I was bad, my mother said, “I
should have given you up when I had the chance.” Now, I am writing this story
and I wonder if I might have become a totally different person if I had been
adopted. This story would not exist.
My
father respected everything around him and taught me how to not harm the small
fish while fishing for bigger ones to eat. We made bait using the husk that came
from making sesame seed oil. We mixed this with flour and water to make a paste,
which was placed inside a glass pot. Fish could swim inside the pot, but could
not swim out.
Every hour, I'd check to see if we'd caught any fish. If we had, I'd call to my
father, so he would take the big fish and release the others. Sometimes he
cooked right there at the river. Other times, he would salt the fish and take
them home to dry, so we would have food for winter. My father said we should
only eat the fish that swim upstream, because they are healthy.
One day, I
received a call. My father needed to speak to me, so I went home that weekend to
see him. He talked to me for two hours, and then finally said, “When I am gone,
I want you to do something for me.” I just looked at him. He told me, “You need
to take care of In Ge and your mother. You’re the only one I can count on to
take responsibility.” He went on to say that he wanted me to go to the United
States for an education. I was to study music and get a good husband. If I could
not do either, I should join the Air Force, because they would give me an
education. When he died, I was thirteen years old and in the ninth grade. In Ge
was a sixth grader.
I remember very little about the funeral, but I remember how it was conducted.
Korean funerals are completely different than American funerals. Over there, we
have the funeral at home. All the family members and friends come over and stay
throughout the funeral. The women make a funeral cloth from a natural fabric,
which has a natural color. Every family member has to cover themselves from head
to toe in the funeral cloth. I wore it over my clothes. I also wore a straw
headband and straw shoes, because the custom is to make yourself physically
uncomfortable while going through sorrow.
In Buddhist tradition, everyone becomes something new after his or her death.
My mother was a Buddhist, so she had a ceremony to learn what my father would be
in his next life. We were told that my father would become a butterfly. I
refused to believe this and I began to question Korean traditions. Years later,
when my son, Mike, was in the first grade, he asked me, “Where is my
grandfather?” I told Mike, “He is a butterfly.” Mike was surprised and I did
not think about it until Mike saw a butterfly that came to the house. He
screamed, “Grandpa is here.” Then, I realized he did become a butterfly.
Now, my father comes to visit me as a butterfly. Every spring, Mike screams,
“Mom, Grandpa is here!” These butterfly encounters are very happy moments.
Even today, all my children and family members are glad to see butterflies. My
children and I would be very disappointed if a butterfly did not come into the
house every spring. Every time I see a butterfly, I feel like my father is
still alive and talking to me. With this in mind, I tell my children to respect
butterflies and never to harm one.
[Note: to view an example of
the Buddhist shaman ceremony, click here.]
I was
determined to keep my promise to my father that I would go to America to finish
my education, but there were some problems obtaining the passport. Since my
father gave me a boy’s name, the courthouse assumed I was a boy. The authorities
had ignored this when I registered for girls’ school, but when I applied for a
passport, the draft board sent me a notice that I would have to take a physical
for military service.
When I
arrived at the base, I was told that I would have to obtain the opinions of
three doctors confirming that I was a woman, so I undertook three humiliating
examinations. Then, I submitted the doctors’ opinions to the courthouse. At that
time, it could have taken two to three years to get the registration changed. My
brother-in-law had to bribe someone at the courthouse to get the approval.
Soon
after I decided to go to America, my sister and mother both tried to find me a
Korean man. (Matchmaking is very common in Korea.) I felt that I was not ready
to agree to this and I committed to go to the United States instead. Even though
I was young, I was very responsible. I had managed to hide money from Jong Yeo
and saved enough to buy some savings bonds.
I gave my signature stamp to my mother, so she could cash in my saving bonds if
she needed money. Even today, in Korea, everyone must have a signature stamp,
which is the size of a finger with your name engraved on the end. No signature
stamp is like any other; each one is handcrafted, so the stamps cannot be
identical. Almost all transactions require signature stamps (Munghum doe-Jang).
I wanted to make sure that my mother had enough money after I went to the United
States, until I could come back for her. My mother and I worked out a system so
the financial information would not come to her house. We had the bank hold the
statements because we knew Jong Yeo would demand the money that belonged to my
mother. At the time, my sister lived next door and would not give my mother her
mail.
If my mother ever needed money, I had envelopes ready for her to mail me. Since
she could not read or write, she communicated with me by sending playing cards.
If she felt sad, she would mail me a 10. If she missed me, she would send a 2.
If she needed money, she would send an 11. When I wanted to send her money, I
would send a 12, so she knew she would receive money the next day.
Unfortunately, we never used the system because she passed away before I left
for the United States.
It was
extremely important to me to improve my English. I had to remind myself all the
time, “Be patient; it is going to be very slow.” When people spoke to me, I
usually did not fully understand them and I could not respond quickly enough for
most people. They thought I was slow or deaf, so they spoke louder and louder. I
could hear them fine; I just wasn’t sure what they were saying. At those times,
I felt that I had to speak as fast as I could. Sometimes, my mind went blank
when I was trying too hard.
Most of the time, I would guess what people were saying to me. I tried to answer
quickly, but it was not easy. Even today, I still have problems with some words,
particularly those that have sounds like E and R. If I had to do it all over
again, I would take time to do it right. I wonder if I had moved to a bigger
city in the beginning, would it have been easier?
Sometimes, people in Robinson told me, “I like Chinese food.” Chinese food was
probably the closest Asian thing they had experienced. I think they were trying
to say, “It’s okay. Even if you are Chinese or Korean, we still like you.” They
could not tell the difference between Korean, Chinese, or Japanese. People
asked, “Are you Chinese or something?” I tried to explain that I am not Chinese;
I am Korean. They would respond by saying, “You’re something like that; it’s
pretty close.”
Some people associate Asian people with cooking and cleaning, which offends me
when people think this is all we know how to do. Korean people work hard,
especially when they come to the United States. Because of language barriers,
they start businesses that do not require speaking a lot of English. Several
times, people in Robinson stopped me on the street to ask me to clean their
houses. This made me very sad, but also gave me some good ideas. I had to find
my identity and discover who I am.
.
In 1977, after a long wait of five years, I really wanted to go home and see my
family. I knew my mother and father were not there and it would not be the same,
but I was hungry for any family. I needed someone who would understand how I
think and feel. My family always knows how I feel, whether I am well or not. I
never have to explain what I am trying to say. Also, Mike was four years old and
had never met my family, so I thought it was time to go to Korea.
This was a very big deal and I had saved four years for this. I took out all of
my savings for this visit. When we arrived in Korea, both of my sisters greeted
us at the airport, dressed in authentic Korean clothes. We stayed at the Seoul
Hotel for a few days then moved to my sister Sue’s house. They hired a minibus
to take us to their home and treated me like I was a queen.
Next, we met with In Ge, who had just been discharged from the Army. He was
staying with Sue and going to school. I was shocked by how little of the money
he spent that I had sent him. He wasted nothing and went to great lengths to
save every penny that he could. In Ge was very responsible and I always knew he
had his head in the right place. He had a good work ethic and a warm, caring
heart. He did not have to tell me how much he loved me, but I could feel it all
the time. He reminded me of my father. I knew that we were going to be united
for the rest of our lives.
The
passengers had all exited the plane, but I could not find my brother. In Ge took
so long to get off the plane that I was afraid he did not come. I finally found
him. This was such an exciting day for me. When I brought In Ge home, I felt
that I had redeemed myself from the guilt I had carried for the past six years.
Finally, after five years of struggle, with the help of
President Jimmy Carter,
my brother was able to join me.
When we entered the house, a butterfly was inside. I believe that my father was
waiting for us to get home, so he could greet us. Now, my father and mother
would be very happy. I could sleep better at night. I felt guilty the whole time
I had been in America. Before he arrived, I had recurring dreams with my
father’s voice asking, “Why is In Ge not here with you?” Now he was with me. My
father’s voice no longer questioned me and my mind was at peace.
Dr. Bill and
Bette Schmidt
I owe many thanks to Dr. Bill
and Bette for their generosity, the use of their cottage, and I have always
admired their life philosophy. I keep good memories of them always and I still
cherish Dr. Bill’s wisdom.
Four of my
favorite Dr. Bill sayings are as follows
-
“Do not expect too much from
people. They crucified Jesus Christ. What do you think they are going do to
you?”
-
“Be nice to everyone,
especially your enemies.”
-
“If a complaint is not bigger
than a ½ inch square, don’t even bother worrying about it.
-
If Bette was not around, Dr.
Bill would say, “You are the best-looking woman in the world.” If Bette was
around, he would say, “Bette is the best-looking woman in the world."
When Dr. Bill visited, he gave
my children and nieces crisp dollar bills. After inflation, he raised it to
five dollars. My children were always excited see Bill and Bette. Bette and I
had many lunches together and she gave me good advice on how to deal with my
children. Whenever I stopped to see her, she was always glad to see me and I
loved how she always made me feel welcome. When I had a bad day, she inspired
me to face life’s daily problems. After visiting her, I felt rejuvenated. She
told me more than once, “You have to be happy with yourself. Children don’t
make you happy.”
I
remember how Bette and Dr. Bill always said nice things about people and always
had positive attitudes. I admire the love and respect they had for each other.
Dr. Bill was a tough professional outside the home, but when he came home, he
adored and helped Bette. He always took care of her needs.
As
new doctors came to Robinson, they would say Dr. Bill was too old to practice,
but he outlasted nearly all the other doctors. When he was in his 80’s, his
patients still waited outside his office to see him. Often, the patients were
not sick; they just wanted to see him. He made such a difference in the
lives of so many people.
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